Art Block
I’ve been suffering from an art block for a while. I know that I’ve posted some art on the instagram account but most of it is a little bit on the old side. I keep picking up the tablet to make new digital art, and I end up feeling restless, frustrated, and intimidated. I have a new floral bouquet that I started ages ago, and I inexplicably am unable to bring myself to work on it. Normally, I’d turn to acrylic painting if I can’t do digital and even that felt overwhelming. I’ve been chewing on this for a while, turning over my reluctance to make art in my brain again and again, trying to sort out why I feel uncomfortable creating at this moment. It’s not that I’ve lost my love of creating, not at all. Making things is comforting. That being said, I feel as if I’ve put a lot of undue pressure on myself to make things of a certain “standard.” Now keep in mind - no one else is asking me for perfection. No one else is expecting “better and better” things from me when it comes to art. I make things for me. I do enjoy getting praise for the things I create; it always feels good when someone recognizes the years of practice I’ve put into this skill. So given that no one else is putting pressure on me, why am I doing it to myself?
I’ve felt like this for a while, as the last two pieces in each medium I’ve made came out absolutely lovely. If you look back at the instagram there is a rose digitally painted to look like it came from a renaissance work, looking like it’s dripping wax and, and it’s so perfect. The last acrylic painting(s) I made, the three canvases with the teal, came out so nicely. I had the square version as my phone background for a while because I liked it so much. So as you might realize, now when I make something new I’ve put a personal expectation that insists that I make this new thing better than the last. This has put a whole extra layer of blank canvas syndrome on top of my already intrusive thoughts of perfection.
I have to admit, this is also on top of some things happening in my life at this moment that are adding some stress. Cinnamon still has a double eye infection that is making me wildly frustrated. She’s been suffering since late April, and despite having been to the veterinary ophthalmologist, both eyes are still goofy. In addition to her eyes, I found a new lump on her chest. She already has a lipoma on her side that’s benign, but the appearance of new lumps automatically makes my heart jump into my throat. She’s only 10, and I’m so surprised that this year has been so bad for her health-wise. Luckily, she hasn’t seemed particularly phased by most anything; it’s mostly me that’s upset about the whole thing.
Yesterday Miayah and I went to the craft store to find some fabric for a quilting project, and I remembered that I had paint in my purse from the last time we went to the crafting store. I’d found 4 stunning colors that I felt strongly about and then went and forgot about them. As we walked through the store, I got a little idea of what I could make, something simple and less structured than some of the more recent paintings I’ve done. It inspired me to pick up a new canvas. We have a lot of canvas already, and they’re mostly rectangular. My favorite shape is square. I nearly picked up a 36x36 canvas but ended up settling on 20x20.
Earlier in the day, Miayah had suggested that maybe I pick up a new hobby to break the art block, the logic being that maybe if I didn’t have anything to measure up to it would be easier and feel less stressful. We talked about taking up knitting or crochet specifically. She knows that I’ve always wanted to play with the giant yarn, the big ridiculous fluffy stuff that Miayah doesn’t usually use as it’s fairly cost prohibitive. I pushed back, not because I didn’t want to do it, but because my hands have some issues with small motor movements and I’m uncertain that I’d be able to do it for an extended period of time. Her suggestion was a good one tho - try something different so there’s nothing to measure up to.
Today, I sat down with the colors and turned my brain off. I just started painting, and it turned into something completely different than I’d intended to make. Something more complicated, a new style that I’d never tried, and absolutely out of my comfort zone while still being familiar. I think it turned out really well and gives me permission to make something similar again in the future. I’m glad that I found a way to flex my art muscles and break the cycle of expecting perfection out of myself.
