Becky and the No Good Terrible Tabs
I have a lot on my mind lately. As much as I’d wished 2021 was better than 2020, so far it has not proved to be so. In my last therapy appointment I’d mentioned right off the bat that I felt like I had 185 tabs open in my brain and at any given moment I wasn’t sure which one needed my attention and as such, I didn’t know what I could close or which ones I should prioritize. 185 tabs is too many. It’s overwhelming and exhausting. It causes executive dysfunction to the worst degree. My therapist suggested a simple exercise: write out every single tab so I can see them in one place and maybe set them down for a minute instead of carrying them constantly.
I spent some time writing down all my “tabs”; these tabs ranged anywhere from “I am constantly worried about Cinnamon” to “WORK” to “I fucking miss my friends.” I counted the lines after I felt that I was done: 120 tabs. That’s more and less than I expected. A bit overwhelming even once laid out given that it is 120, however putting them on paper felt akin to actually setting them down and reducing the heavy load on my brain. With them laid out in a visual manner I have been able to spend some time thinking about what I can do to alleviate my concerns and which solutions would be best to prioritize first.
I decided to start with “I fucking miss my friends.” There are clear steps that I can take to make sure I can see my friends again and start operating in a pre-pandemic social fashion.
Work on getting a covid vaccine
Schedule time with Miayah and her boyfriend
These two are in the bubble (Miayah obviously lives with me) and they’re my closest friends so it makes sense to schedule actual activities together to make the most of our hang outs.
Reach out to my friends that I haven’t seen in a while and make sure they know I’m still thinking about them and that my love for them hasn’t dissipated with the time apart.
I’ve been really bad about reaching out to my circle of friends and have become increasingly isolated as the months have dragged on.
This doesn’t mean that I’d see all of them as that wouldn’t be safe - I could text and call and Zoom various people to let them know that they’re on my mind and that when everyone in the circle is vaccinated then we can get together again.
And so I started taking actionable steps to address this “tab” this week. I scheduled my first Moderna vaccination with the City of Austin, spent 90 minutes in line at the activity center, and got a shot in the arm. This is the first, most important, most significant step that I can take to make sure that I don’t continue to be so isolated. I know that the covid vaccines are a bit controversial and that not everyone is confident in their safety or necessity but for me and especially for Miayah they’re essential. They’ve been cleared for emergency use, there are multiple variations that have been tested by multiple agencies, and the side effects are minimal if anything at all.
I’m terrified of long haul covid. I don’t think with my immune system being as strong as it is that I would end up being hospitalized (I mean we really don’t know though) but there have been perfectly healthy people that end up with significant complications lasting months and months and months with no end in sight and that scares me so much. I’m also scared of Miayah being hospitalized. At my previous job there was a particular employee that would show up sick constantly. He was a great dude but was one of those people that said “oh I’ll power through it, I’m not that sick, I don’t want to miss work, I’ll just stay in my office and not infect anyone.” Inevitably he would leave his office and infect people. I know for a fact that sometimes I would bring things home and Miayah would get sick (even if I didn’t) and she’d be down for weeks. There was a time that I got sick for about 3 days and Miayah caught the cold and she was down for almost a month solid. If she got covid we don’t know what would happen and it’s too much of a risk to try and see a lot of people without her vaccinated.
My next step was to schedule time with Miayah and her boyfriend (who is really my friend too). Side note, I met her boyfriend first on a dating app and we went on a couple dates. He’s a wonderful, funny man and I’m glad we met. Miayah saw his profile on another dating site and decided, since I wasn’t particularly attracted to him, to go on a date with him. They hit it off and started dating and it’s been peachy ever since. We’ve discussed the fact that even if they break up at some point that we’re keeping him as a friend because he’s too cool to let go. He gets no choice XD. As you’ve probably seen in other posts, Miayah and I have been sorting out the backyard and since we have furniture now the three of us have been hanging out together in the nice weather we’ve been having. Additionally we’ll watch movies together, have light cocktails together, and bitch about work. We even made pawprint paintings with the dogs one night; Miayah’s boyfriend was kind enough to take photos. These moments together have been refreshing and oh so needed. I’m glad I have multiple people in my bubble and that I don’t live alone. That would be unbearable.
Third, I started reaching out to friends that I haven’t talked to in a while. I sent messages to a throuple that Miayah and I met years ago that we absolutely adore, our friends that have 4 kids together (our godkids!), and a couple other people in my social circles that I would consider close. I let them know that I love them dearly, that they’re still on my mind, and that I look forward to seeing them again soon. We set up a Zoom call with some of them and had tea together for an hour or so. There was fancy tea in lovely buddha glasses we found at Big Lots of all places; much laughter happened with the purchase of these molded glasses. We reminisced about old parties we have thrown and attended in the past and rekindled our desires to party again.
As I’m sure we’ve mentioned, Miayah and I love to throw parties, especially in fourth quarter. We have a Halloween party (the biggest of the year!), a Black Friday party, and a Christmas pajama party and cookie exchange. We throw tea parties in the beginning of the year, sometimes throw a birthday party or two, and do dinner parties all the time. Speaking with my friends again, that I have isolated from, was a good way to remind everyone that in the future, with more people vaccinated, that we can gather like that again and have a celebration of life. Even when things are difficult the parties, large and small, really bolster my spirit and I’m sure that’s the same for many people in our lives.
Ultimately these steps addressing the singular tab in my brain have been worth it and a good suggestion from my therapist. I know I have 119 tabs left but since this one, “I fucking miss my friends,” has been looked at, turned over, and addressed, the 119 don’t feel so heavy. I know that slowly with social support things are going to become less of a burden and I won’t feel so lonely. Many of these tabs would still be issues with or without the pandemic but this way with outside support I’ll feel like I can address them all.