Boundaries Post-Pandemic
I don’t know what to write about today. I don’t want to seem like I’m always complaining about something and I don’t want to sound like a broken record regarding the pandemic or Cinnamon or finances or anything I’ve already addressed. It’s tough because things are still mostly standing still.
Miayah got her first dose of the Pfizer vaccine a couple days ago and I got the first shot of Moderna about a week and a half ago and we’ve already started moving toward making plans with people. My sister’s birthday is in two weeks and I reached out to my family to see if they want to get together (my parents and my sister are fully vaccinated) and they said yes. We’re going to do a potluck. Miayah and I have been feeling bolder and even went out to KBBQ (delicious!) and to a shop called Daiso (a Japanese dollar store of sorts). This is a work in progress.
I’ve always been an introvert that needs a lot of alone time but I’m relearning what that means. The pandemic, even for hermit-like me, was really difficult in terms of isolation. This is a learning experience though because we went out for hours on Saturday and as I write this on Sunday I am DONE. So done. I don’t want to be disturbed, I don’t want to speak with anyone, I don’t want to go anywhere. Was it always like this? Before things changed did I need that sort of recovery time after a day out or has this feeling been heightened by how much alone time I’ve had the privilege (I say this loosely as it was an involuntary thing) of indulging in?
“Solitude matters, and for some people, it’s the air they breathe.”
I know that a common theme in the social media I follow has been that our social separation and the removal of the need to participate in performative roles has changed how a lot of people prioritize their needs. Some people have had time to reassess their gender identity. Some people have had time to reassess just how busy they want to be. Some people have had time to reflect on their relationships and have discovered how healthy or unhealthy they may be. Some people have had time to decide to change the image they want to present to the world, whether it be through fashion, the way they speak, or the adornment they choose to place on their bodies. A lot of people have learned that they want to give other peoples’ opinions significantly less weight in their lives. I know that for myself I discovered that I value having time to myself to not do anything or speak with anyone. This has turned out to be very precious to me.
Pre-pandemic we’d have plans 5-6 days a week and looking back I can now see that that was too much for me. I need recovery time or I’ll burn out, especially considering that I work with a group of people that drive me crazy, in person, five days a week. We would have “Tipsy Tuesday” every Tuesday, we’d have dinner parties 1-2 times a week, we’d have the god kids and my niblings over regularly, we’d go out for date nights every week, we’d do projects together and go shopping and looking back on it…. As fun as it was I was constantly exhausted and overwhelmed. Sometimes I just wanted everything to stop so I could lay in bed and sleep for 12 hours but that never seemed to be an option. This realization is something I’m very grateful for; now I need to figure out how to set appropriate boundaries with the people I love in my life and how to actually enforce them.
“Boundaries are a part of self-care. They are healthy, normal, and necessary.”
I’ve never been super great about boundaries. I’ve always worried about how other people perceive me and if they like me and if they view me in a positive light. I want to be seen as loving, friendly, welcoming, gracious, funny, kind, and so much more however I’ve let this take me to places where I’ve taxed myself far too much. I can’t fall back into old patterns that will leave me exhausted, drained, and over my limit constantly. In addition to establishing and enforcing boundaries I need to practice giving myself more grace and giving myself permission to acknowledge how stressed I am. This is a big one. Sometimes I feel like I “should” be a certain way at any given moment - less emotional, less stressed, more focused, more together - but this doesn’t honor or acknowledge what may be affecting my mental and emotional state.
“Before I can live with other folks I’ve got to live with myself. The one thing that doesn’t abide by majority rule is a person’s conscience.”
Lately I’ve been wondering why I feel like a space case at work and why I can’t seem to get anything done -- there’s so much still going on! Why would I give myself a hard time when I’m facing thoughts of Cinnamon’s health, my health, my finances, the myriad of projects that I’m in charge of, keeping up with the house and chores and laundry, arranging appointments for vaccines, stressing about Miayah’s health --- it’s no wonder I’m not doing what I’d consider perfection! I have to stop and give myself a second to reflect and breath and forgive myself for being so stern. I am not an automaton! I will not be the same day in and day out no matter what’s happening in my life. I cannot expect the exact same amount and quality of work from moment to moment and it’s unfair to ask that of myself. I wouldn’t berate my friends for having good days and bad days - that’s human and natural - so why am I being so hard on myself?
These are all things I have to keep in mind as the pandemic slowly loses its grip on the country and we find ourselves with the freedom we’ve been searching for for the last 14 months. I implore you to look at what’s changed for you - what habits have you picked up, what you’d like to avoid doing again, what you’ve learned to love - and decide what you’re going to keep and what you’ll leave after you’ve been freed from your personal quarantine situation. I hope that you can find grace for yourself and that you have been able to transform yourself into a better and happier version of you.