On Resolutions and Intentions
January seems to be the time for resolutions. I’ve never been fond of resolutions of any kind because I often feel that people don’t really have a good sense of who they are when they set them. I’ve set all sorts of unrealistic resolutions – you know the ones:
I’m going to get in shape.
I’m going to go to the gym every day.
I’m only going to eat “good” foods.
I’m going to have a really clean house all the time.
I’m going to write a book.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of those resolutions, and they’re all great things. Why is it that we often start with the best intentions, and then suddenly burn out when March rolls around? I think the answer is two-fold. We choose resolutions that society tells us are important, and we ignore the reasons why we have not met those societal expectations previously.
Personally, setting resolutions has never been a good fit for me, and I’ve always ended up feeling like a failure as soon as burn out begins. Over the years, my greatest successes with life changes began when I decided that I wanted to feel differently than I did at that moment in time. When I focused on how I wanted to feel rather than what I was “supposed” to be doing, I was able to align my actions with my feelings and make long-lasting adjustments that stop the feelings of failure and promote feelings of success. That feeling became my intent, and hey, January seems to be a time for setting those things.
I’m not going to lie, setting an intention for the year is one of the hardest things I do in my personal journey, but it’s also one of the best, most rewarding things I do too. It’s a process, but then again, isn’t everything?
I usually begin thinking about my year in the beginning of December, and not just about the things I’ve done. I take the time to really focus on how I felt that year. There’s a lot of journaling, otherwise, I can’t remember a thing I think of. I go back through my bullet journal and look at all my habit trackers and journal entries and lists I’ve made about my life. I ask myself some version or combination of the following:
What feeling (or feelings) pervaded that year?
Are there any feelings that I want to build or maintain?
When did I feel the most content? Happy? Sad? Angry? Anxious?
Are there any themes to the feelings I’ve had this year?
Is there anything that consistently causes me worry, pain, or sadness?
Once I have some answers, I start thinking about how I want to feel in the coming year. The thing that usually tops my list is that I want to feel content. Voila. This is my intention!
Side note: Personally, I’m not interested in feeling happy all the time. When I focus on feeling happy all the time, I end up feeling like I’m failing whenever I experience anything other than happiness.
Now that I have an intention, I start listing out what that means. I don’t try to write out complete sentences. I don’t try to make it all make sense. I just start listing what that looks like to me. Sometimes it’s messy. Other times it’s neat and orderly. Sometimes it’s full of stories that aren’t mine. The point is just to get it all out so I have an idea of what that feeling means to me. Usually, the things I write follow a theme that I can use to help guide me in the next year. By this point, I’m usually wrung out and convinced that setting an intention is the worst thing I could possibly be doing, but hey, I’m this deep in, and I may as well press on.
So now I have this wild list of things that define the feeling(s) I want for the year. I go back and re-read the things I’ve written out and search for the things that jump out to me. Usually, I aim for three things. Three has always been a solid number for me, but not a hard and fast rule. By this point in my process, I’m usually at a point where I have listed real, concrete things I can do to promote the specific feeling I want to evoke, but they’re still really big things. Now, I’ve got the feeling I want, the things that help me feel that way, and narrowed it down to a manageable amount. I’m pretty overwhelmed and need to step away for a while. I like to let all that sit for a while – sometimes a day or two, other times a week or two. The brain will continue to roll over the feeling for a while, and a lot of times, I find that I have deeper insights or complete changes. I give myself a lot of time to feel comfortable with my intent because I like to have my intention be my intention for the entire year.
Once I’m comfortable, I take the time to list out small steps that I can take in a month that help achieve my intention. Sometimes it’s something really small like giving myself permission to indulge in a really nice cup of tea when I’m feeling stressed out at work. Other times it’s something larger like committing to a weekly dinner with a friend. Sometimes, I’m not sure what I will actually be able to do immediately to start promoting my intention, so I jot down ideas that could be workable. I check back on myself at the end of the month to see what promoted that intention and what didn’t. Then I can set other steps in the next month.
The beauty of having a year long intention broken into small monthly bits means that one, the intention is always set in the forefront of my mind, and two, there are a lot of opportunities for success. I know that unless I feel like I’m being successful, I will not have the motivation to continue. I also find that setting an intention in the manner I do lends itself to doing things I can realistically accomplish. This takes the “Miayah Factor,” and places it front and center rather than taking a societal expectation and placing it front and center. There are reasons why I have never had success following through on those resolutions I listed at the beginning. A lot of those reasons have to do with me saying that what I present to society has to look like the glossy magazine covers, and nothing about who I am at my core. I think the key to setting a successful intention lies in knowing who I am and what I want to feel. Once I start doing things that align those two things, I feel complete and whole. That makes me a better friend’ a better partner; a better human. It helps me have enough spoons to do what I want and to be able to be there for others when they have a need. It fills my emotional bank.
What do you want to feel this year?