Once tragedy hits I find myself anticipating the next incident before it happens, even before there’s a hint of trouble. My anxiety spikes and every small pain is suddenly a potential thunderstorm waiting in the wings. One of my best friends died recently and it hurt more than I could have imagined. My mother has been in the hospital four times in the last six months. My sister was in a bad car accident where her car was totaled. In the midst of a global pandemic, civil unrest running rampant, a harrowing presidential transition of power…. The personal concerns become nearly unbearable. It’s times like these that make me wish for a sliver of peace and the ability to forget about all responsibilities and relationships - possibly by abandoning my life and living in a cave - a counter-intuitive reaction when really I should lean on my support network. I have an excellent support network, composed of friends, family, and chosen family, that is available to me at any and all times. I am well loved by many and yet I am reluctant to lean on anyone in times of crisis. This has led me to ask myself - am I treating myself well in exercising this behavior? Do I value myself less than others? Do my needs mean less?

I’ve done deeply personal work these last few years - developing my sense of self worth. For many years I sincerely regarded myself as a flaming garbage heap of a person, useless to anyone and everyone. To be honest, this work toward self actualization is exhausting and intense however it’s proved to be 100% worth it. Through therapy, multiple therapists, and extensive introspection I have found that I have inherent worth as an independent being and that worth is not tied to what I can do for other people. An easy way to test this in yourself is to ask yourself what your best traits are; if you list things that are acts of service it’s time to step back and think about what you are rather than what you can do for others. My feelings about myself: I’m funny, I’m creative, I’m a great dog mom, I’m passionate about social justice, and I have a biting, acerbic wit when my guard is down. Hell, I’m a sexy bitch that commands respect and admiration. These feelings about myself are hard won through years of targeted work and therapy. When faced with the above questions: “Do I value myself less than others? Do my needs mean less?” the answer is clearly an emphatic NO.

The paramount question - “am I treating myself well?” - is what I really want to focus on at this moment in time. I have established that I have worth, but what does that really mean in terms of how my day to day life functions? How do I honor myself? How do I show my inner spirit that I value my existence? An excellent opportunity to dive into this presented itself in early January, brought to light by Miayah and a car ride discussion regarding New Years resolutions. In recent years I’ve found resolutions set on January 1st to end up being nothing but disappointments - things that I badger myself about and will ultimately fail at accomplishing because the goals are either too big (with no smaller steps on how to get there) or don’t align with the direction life takes me - hence I have stopped setting them. It turns out that Miayah also doesn’t set resolutions - she sets intentions. This sounded very curious to me; what did she mean by “intentions?” What does an intention look like? We talked for a while and I came to understand that an intention is a positive and loose guideline to live by for whatever time you set. This can be something like “I’ll work to be a more functional adult-person” or “I’ll become someone with more of a green thumb” or “I will be more disciplined with my finances.”

After giving the concept of intentions some thought I came up with this: I will set my intention for 2021 as “I will treat myself with more care.” It’s loose, it’s gentle, it’s full of love for myself. It can mean so many different things: eating better, adhering to an improved sleep schedule, spending more time doing things I love that enrich my life, making art at my own pace, finding time to build new relationships, taking personal time when I need it, and even leaning on my support network instead of roughing it by myself. I am giving myself permission to be kind and soft with my spirit and body, despite the world presenting challenges over and over during this volatile period. Looking at the experiences this last year has brought - death, hospitalizations, accidents, the pandemic, dire and expensive insurance problems (a distinctly american issue), mounting debt, and a rising sense of fear in the nation - giving myself permission to be soft is a great and valuable gift. I am worth treating with care and compassion and the best person to give me that care is myself. No one else can be responsible for my happiness and well being. I do not have a life coach or a personal trainer or someone that I can shift responsibility onto, and even if those things were available to me, the only person who truly knows what care looks like to me is myself. I am responsible for my own care and part of that care is leaning on others to support me in my struggles and successes. Let others celebrate the wins with you! Let others be a shoulder to cry on! Don’t force yourself to be alone and miserable when caring for yourself is available in the form of a chosen family.

I’m looking forward to what this year will bring. I wasn’t sure that I’d be able to say that when I started writing this entry. The mercurial temperament of 2020 has affected us all in different and profound ways, and has made finding bits of hope difficult at best. I strongly feel that bringing one’s focus back to one’s self is healing and necessary today. I’m grateful that I have the opportunity to care for myself in this way, and that I have others in my life that can bolster my spirit and determination. I hope that you can look inside yourself, find out what your spirit needs right now, and then find the strength to ask for it. Remember to be gentle with yourself. I’m going to treat myself with more care and compassion.

What do you want for yourself this year?

XOXO, Becky <3