On Needs
Knowing What You Want
“When our thoughts are unsettled and our inner world is in a muddle, we may sharpen our wits and try to recognize the invisible edges of our fractured stance. If we seek to figure out what our life story is all about, we may be able to put the missing pieces in place and identify what is driving us, what we are actually up to and why we are running like mad dogs, sometimes. (“On a doggy day”)”
In this day and age many of us are feeling unsettled, myself included. There’s a lot going on in the world that we have little to no control over: from military strikes, to the ever ongoing pandemic, to disruption of our relationships caused by distinct differences in values and beliefs. It’s easy to get caught up in the distress of it all and forget that this kind of low lying background static can affect our ability to live a purposeful life - one where we make a conscious effort to take care of ourselves. In light of how my intention this year is to work on taking better care of myself, I am choosing to take the time to breathe and ask myself: what do I need at this moment?
“He isn’t a codebase; he is a human being, and bugs are harder to spot and fix in humans. You can’t just deploy a fix immediately. It takes time to identify the problem and foster and grow a change.”
How does one recognize what is needed mentally and emotionally? It seems like a simple question but it’s deceptively difficult. Our needs are complex and seemingly never ending day-to-day: how do we feed ourselves? How do we pay our bills and maintain financial security? How do we love others and find love for the self? How do we achieve the goals we set out for ourselves? A grounding place to start is to define the types of needs that exist across the spectrum of humankind.
Have you heard of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs? If you’re not familiar it’s a theory in psychology, put forward by Abraham Maslow, that proposes that all human motivations can be ranked in terms of a person’s needs that lead to growth. The base of the pyramid is “physiological needs”: shelter, food, water, rest, health, and other things the physical container our souls inhabit need to survive. The next layer of the pyramid, which is pursued once the base needs are met at least partially, is “safety.” This includes things like emotional security, personal security, and financial security. Once these are met, the next layer is composed of “love needs.” This can look like family, friendship, and intimacy needs. Don’t be misled - intimacy doesn’t have to be physical. This could also be the ability to be vulnerable with others. “Esteem needs” is the next tier up: this can be both having the respect of others as well as respect for yourself. At the top of the pyramid is “self-actualization.” This can look like utilizing and developing talents and abilities as well as pursuing goals.
Examining each of these layers in turn gives us a good jumping off point in which we can categorize our own desires using this organizational system. Take a moment and think to yourself: what are my physiological needs today? Am I hungry? Do I need water? What are my love needs today? Do I need a hug? Do I need to have a conversation and be vulnerable with someone that I care about? Visiting these questions on a regular basis can help you prioritize your self care and create a game plan with which you can address immediate issues in your life.
Something I practice, when I identify which layer needs attention, is making a list of actionable steps on how to address this particular need. I make these steps as specific and small as possible. It’s no good to say “I’m going to make dinner at home every night,” both a physiological and safety need, as a single step. Instead, write out each little piece - “Make a meal plan.” “Make a comprehensive grocery list.” “Go to this particular grocery store on this date.” “Have dinner with my loved one so I’m encouraged to actually make food.” These are actionable steps to address at the base a physiological need. It’s also very satisfying to cross off each little step (mentally or written out physically). It gives a great sense of accomplishment and, as evidenced by the ideas I listed above, can lead to more than just one need being met. This list making has saved me from a significant amount of strife countless times.
“Acting on our interests refines our understanding of what we are good at and what we value. The experiences we have along the way sometimes introduce us to new values that enhance and enlarge our vision. The lessons we learn through habits of action test our understanding and teach us to identify what matters in our life.”
What are you missing in your life today? Don’t worry if the answer doesn’t come to you easily or quickly. The ability to engage in self reflection is a learned skill that takes time, effort, and patience to cultivate. Using the hierarchy of needs as a base let your inner voice guide you through the troubles you’re currently experiencing. Gently identify which layers need attention and set a plan for yourself that will get you to a place of satisfaction. It doesn’t have to be perfect or permanent, just enough to make your life a little less tumultuous today. Find a solution for yourself that will permit you to grow, even if it’s baby steps and tiny sprouts.