So I’m struggling with self confidence right now because I work with a woman who makes me feel like I did when I was abused. She’s nice and funny sometimes but most of the time she makes me feel small and stupid. I was giving her the benefit of the doubt for a long while because maybe she was just having a bad time. Maybe she was just a mean person who didn’t understand how her demeanor affected people. Maybe she genuinely meant well but has no awareness of her tone and speech. Yesterday she actively gaslit me and that’s it. I can’t ignore the fact that she’s making me feel small and stupid, and that the behavior I’m starting to exhibit is what happened when I was with two of my exes, where I felt like nothing was good enough and I was dumb and incapable of doing the right thing and that I had to constantly defer to my abuser for any sort of affirmation or confirmation that I’m good enough.

I will not rely on her “approval” to make my days good. I am good, I am strong, I am intelligent, and I’m capable of learning how to do all the varied tasks that I’m expected to do here at this company.

I miss having people reaffirm that I’m good enough. I’m realizing that words of affirmation may be my strongest love language. I gain a lot of warm comfort from people telling me that I’m doing a good job, that I’m a good person, that I’m kind and thoughtful, that I’m capable and competent. I enjoy being told how attractive I am, both physically and mentally. I like having my hard work acknowledged and being recognized for my efforts.

I shouldn’t be afraid to ask for words of affirmation. I know that it’s not the strongest love language that the people around me demonstrate but there’s nothing wrong with asking for help, and that’s what I need right now. I’ve noticed that recently I’ve been saying things about myself that aren’t true, like my opinions are dumb and invalidating activities that I enjoy. That’s not fair to myself. I’m worried that the experiences I’m having at my place of employment are undermining all the hard work I’ve done over the years to feel confident in myself and my abilities. I’m worried that the experiences I’m having are undermining the difficult work I’ve done to love the physical vessel that my soul resides in. This summer I could look at my naked body and my naked face and feel attractive and feel love toward myself and I’ve shrunk away from that this last month. That’s not what I want.

This is definitely not what I anticipated coming into this employment position. I knew that learning new things and starting a new job would be difficult as I have perfectionist tendencies, but this is a whole new level of frustration. I am learning how to do marketing. I am learning how to do social media for a small business. I am learning how to deal with online security and teaching others how to do so as well while I learn. I am expected to coach the sales team on how to use social media effectively for B2B sales. Who am I to be able to teach anyone how to use social media effectively? Like… I get it. I’m a millennial which makes me a tech native. I’m relatively comfortable with social media, and I’m working on this blog with Miayah so I have a baseline understanding of how to use social media but this is most certainly not what I have studied in the past. That being said, I’m not getting any encouragement at work. No one has recognized how difficult this has been to make happen from the ground up. I’ve done project management before but this is a whole new level of frustration because no one talks to anyone around here but honestly I don’t blame them. Every time you try to talk to my difficult coworker, and she’s the one everyone has to talk to, it’s a super unpleasant experience. Of course no one wants to communicate. Who wants to feel small and stupid?

I am angry and frustrated and these are valid emotions, however I need to make sure that I’m not turning them against myself. It’s easy to turn them against myself because of old habits established during times I was abused, a time when I always asked “what did I do wrong here, what can I do better?” when in fact it was my abuser that gaslit me into thinking that I was the one who’d caused issues.

I am still new here. These are my first projects and the first time I’ve interacted with these guidelines on how to enter things into an accounting system that I’m absolutely not familiar with. Any reasonable person would be patient and kind while giving guidance on how to navigate these unfamiliar waters but instead I’m getting condescension and annoyance.

So what’s the answer? What to do in this situation?

First: Accept that my coworker is not going to change. This eliminates the desire to have an all out verbal brawl with her. Being vulnerable with her is a ticket to being ground down further. Attempting to appeal to her humanity is a waste of breath. Accept that no matter how well or poorly I’m doing I’ll be subjected to the same sort of abuse and belittling; this will permit me to let go of finding an action plan that involves attempting to change another person. As a woman it’s easy to fall into the trap of wanting to be the fixer, the mediator, the one that has to change to make things go smoothly and wasting my energy to do that is futile.

Second: Affirm with myself that I’m good, I’m smart, I’m attractive, I’m compelling, and I matter. Remind myself that I don’t need external validation to exist as a whole and strong human being. Write down affirmations that reinforce these facts and say them daily.

Third: Reach out to friends and family for help and encouragement. I’ve recognized that I need words of affirmation much more frequently than I’m currently receiving them, and telling the people that love you what you need is 100% acceptable. People that care for you want to make you feel good. People that are in your inner circle will do whatever they can to lift you up and empower you. Asking for help is not a detriment to my life, it is in fact a way to bolster my existence.

Fourth: Find an appropriate place to vent as I recognize my anger. It’s not helpful to hold onto the fury that I feel or try to squish it down so I don’t feel it. I must sit with my emotions and feel the anger completely. Where is it in my body? Are my shoulders tense? Is my back hunched? Are my fists clenched? What can I relax as I recognize the tension? Is the anger helping me accomplish anything? Talk this out with a therapist, a close friend, or a trusted family member. Don’t burden myself with holding onto the anger and stewing. Be aware that if I am venting to a family member or friend I should ask first if they have the capacity to speak about an emotionally charged situation and if they do, clarify whether I want advice or for them just to listen. This will help clear up any misunderstandings I could potentially have during the conversation with my loved one.

Fifth: Engage in an activity outside of work that permits me to completely forget about the daily conflicts. Tap into a hobby, like drawing, that makes me feel powerful and good. Watch the stars and reconnect with nature. Have a cup of tea and think about what puppies would look like if they had rainbow tails. My work isn’t my identity or life. I work to live, not live to work. This coworker has nothing to do with the fulfillment and enjoyment I get from the rest of my life outside of the 40 hours sitting at a desk.

With the five steps I’ve laid out here I feel confident that I’ll be able to implement my own advice this month and come out on the other side happier and more fulfilled.

When you feel overwhelmed, what love language do you tap into to recover? Do any of these steps resonate with you?